It's much too much of checkerboards & chalkstains

that I hate admitting it, but here it is; 

I hate admitting, that I will always wish that you could have looked past all of your own bullshit, to look at me, just once, and love me completely.  

I hate admitting, that I will always wish, that just once, you would have followed through, on your promises to change. 

I hate admitting, that the one person I should have always been able to count on, was never… EVER you. 

I hate admitting that you NEVER took the chance to say goodbye to me, and even more that I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. 

I hate admitting that the only reason you even tried to stay in touch with me, after almost eleven years of being nothing but extra in the background of my history, was because you thought that I’d had a child. 

I hate admitting, that once you somehow misconstrued my looking after a little girl, for me having a child, that somehow you believed I would ever let you look after her, or that you even cared more for her, than you ever did for me.  I hate that, you even WANTED to look after her, when you never tried with me. 

I hate admitting, that for so long, for some reason, I continued to hope that you would change, and that I would finally get what I wanted, what I needed and what I DESERVED from you. 

I hate admitting, that it took me years, to be able to look at a mother and daughter, and not want to cry, and not feel it slowly ripping at every hope I ever had, that you and I could someday be like that. 

I hate admitting, that you’ve made me afraid, that I will be as NEGLIGENT, as you, and as ABSENT, and as you were.  I HATE, admitting that you have made me terrible, that I will inherit being a NEGLIGENT  and UNWORTHY  mother. 

I hate admitting that I’m terrified that all of my relationships will be just like yours.

I hate admitting, that it makes me sick, whenever people tell me that I look just like you.  

I hate being compared to you.

I hate that you let me down. 

I hate admitting that I ever counted on you.  I HATE, LOATHE ANDDESPISE that for that I could NEVER turn to you, or come to you advice, and that I will NEVER be able to. 

I hate admitting that I’m terrified that your relationships will ALWAYS define mine. 

I hate admitting that people will NEVER see me, for me, and that somehow EVERYTHING I ever do will ALWAYS have something to do with YOU!

I hate admitting, that somehow, I wish that I could not hate all these things, and I wish that I could say that I forgive you, for everything on this list, and countless other things, but I can’t. 

I hate admitting, that it upsets me that people try to defend you, and what you did, how you did and the way that you acted, I hate it more so, that once upon a time I tried to do it too.  I hate that it took me so long, to realise that you were never supposed to be my mother. 

I hate admitting, that you used me, countless times. 

I hate admitting that I let you do it, because I thought it would make you love me. 

I hate admitting that you drained my savings more than once, when I was still in highschool, because I bought the things for your other children, that you couldn’t. 

But most of all… I hate the fact, that because of YOU. there will ALWAYS be a rift between my other siblings and me. I HATE the fact, that you continuously made me the bad guy.  That because of you, I had to keep hurting them, because I kept saying I wasn’t coming ‘home’.  I HATE that you made a whole FAMILY a bunch of strangers to five children who never deserved it.  I HATE that you POISONED the minds of those same five beautiful children, against those that LOVED, still LOVE them, and always will LOVE them, because of your sick, and twisted mind.  I HATE that you put all of us, in dangerous places, with even more dangerous men. I HATE that not once, did you put your children first, over the PIGS that you found some kind of attraction, and deeply-needed attention from.  

BECAUSE OF YOU, SIX CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS BE LOST, WILL ALWAYS BE LONELY AND WILL ALWAYS BE AFRAID OF PEOPLE TRYING TO GET CLOSE. BECAUSE OF YOU… SIX CHILDREN WILL ALWAYS BE A STATISTIC. SIX CHILDREN WHO WILL GROW INTO ADULTS, WILL CONTINUE TO BE STATISTICS OF MORE THINGS THAN I CAN COUNT… Because of you, your five other children, will never completely trust their family, they will never, ever, be willing to know what really happened, and what happened countless times, and they will NEVER know, just how truly, despicable, disgusting and degenerate you TRULY were. 

You gave me life, for that I am thankful. 

But that is all.  I am not thankful for anything more.  I am nothing like you.  I will never be anything like you again.  I hate that people could ever think I am, It makes my skin crawl when people say I even look like you, or sound like you.  Nothing could ever be more insulting. 

People tell me that you did your best, but you didn’t. 

People tell me that you tried to change, but I never saw it, and I waited for it, for eleven years. 

People tell me that I should just let it go, and forgive you.  You don’t deserve my forgiveness, because you never apologised, you never tried, the only time you ever came remotely close to trying to redeeming yourself, was when you somehow believed you could fix the mistakes of your past, with your children, through a grandchild that you never had. 

I hate all of these things, I hate them about you, I hate them about me. I hate that they affect me, the way that they do. 

I hate, that I used to think, that for the rest of my life, that I would always be a lost little girl without a mummy. I am a lost, little girl.  But I do have one thing, I have a mother, and she tries her best. She loves her children, she takes care of them, she keeps trying, and she keeps succeeding, but most importantly, She is not, nor will She ever be… Anything, like you. 

I hate admitting, that once upon a time, I believed, I would be alone for the rest of my life.  I hate admitting that every milestone of my life, you were absent. I hate admitting, that when I went to your funeral, I was continuously forgotten to be mentioned as one of your children. I hate that people either did not know who I was, or that people I had never met, thought the worst of me. I hated, that while I was trying to be a big sister, to five, lost, beautiful, miserable children, that I was sought out by people I hoped never to see again, and that I continually had to look into the eyes of strangers, and somehow try to justify myself, for things I had no control over. 

I hate that even though you are dead, you are still causing me grief. I hate that your ex-boyfriends continue to threaten and stalk myself, and your other children. I hate that we CONTINUE to SUFFER, because you NEVER made good choices. 

I hate, being afraid, that I will ever be like you. 
I hate, that I was never good enough for you to love.
I hate, that for some reason, you chose to completely disregard me.

I hate that at your funeral, when we were asked to share our memories of you. I could think of only two;

The image of you, fighting with one of your boyfriends, holding a knife to your stomach, pregnant with one of my five siblings, who actually survived living inside of you, and threatening to kill yourself, and take the baby out with you. And… The image of the day, that we were taken away for the first time. You, walking out of the house, with a bag of clothing for everyone, and nothing for me.  I remember running over to the car, and you, turning to me, with disgust on your face, almost slamming the door on my hand, before you told me that I could “Fuck off with them..” and then, I watched you, and him, pull out of the drive-way with my siblings, and drive away from me. 

Tell me, how am I ever, supposed to love you, in any way… when those are two of the only things I remember directly involving you.  I will never forgive you, for what you did to me, what you did to them, what you did to our family, and what you somehow still continue to do, from the grave.  I pray, that you rest in peace, but I do not love you.  I stopped trying to love you, a long time ago. I pray, that somehow, your next life will be a better one, and I pray, that none of your children, ever grow up, to be anything like you. 

I hate, that I hope you have finally found peace.

I hate, that I wish that I could love you. 

I hate, hating you. 

samcro-soa:

(via wastenotsavenothing)